A $23,000 roll of paper towels?

Kyle Buchwald pictured here, center, performing with his band, Soggy K and the Paper Towels, in a small Morgantown pub.

Ask A Specialist…about paper towels

In our “Ask A Specialist” column, readers from all over write in to ask our featured advice columnist pressing questions about a very specialized field. Whether they hope to resolve a dilemma or find a way out of their quandaries and quagmires, they get their answers here. Today we are proud to feature Kyle Buchwald, a Morgantown, West Virginia resident specializing in paper towels.

Dear Kyle,

This morning I heard that Bounty paper towel commercial declaring that their product is the “quicker, thicker picker-upper.” The problem is, I’ve always thought of myself as the quicker, thicker picker-upper. How can I get on with my life knowing I must share this title with a roll of paper towels?

-Kimberly Parkes
Red Cloud, NE

Dear Kimberly,

It seems that almost everyone nowadays wants to be thought of as the “quicker, thicker picker-upper.” I am certainly no exception. For years, I thought of myself as simply a “picker-upper,” until one glorious morning I awoke and realized I was indeed quicker and thicker. But because of the hordes of people who think of themselves this way, our only hope is to band together and realize that we must set aside our collective pride and look to a roll of paper towels for inspiration.

Dear Kyle,

I heard that the U.S. military once spent $23,000 on a roll of paper towels for an employee lounge in the Pentagon. Being a first time paper towel buyer, I was considering taking out a second mortgage on my home and investing in a roll myself. Is this approximately what I can expect to pay or does the military exact heavy discounts?

-Aaron Marten
Sacramento, CA

Dear Aaron,

When it comes to selecting the right paper towel for your home, you have many options. Paper towel prices truly run the gamut, but keep in mind they will only go as high as the market will bear. If your story about the U.S. military is true, I have no doubt that the money was well spent on a military-strength roll that was chock full of extra features, such as designer prints and superior absorbency. At the lower end of the price spectrum (although they can’t be used for military purposes), I’ve seen very nice rolls for as low as 99 cents down at 7-11.

Dear Kyle,

Prom is coming up in a couple months, and with prom dress prices the way they are, I thought I’d try something slightly different this year and fashion a dress out of paper towels. Unscented, of course. What I was wondering is: would duct tape be the best way to attach the individual towels to each other, or can you think of a more suitable form of adhesion?

-Rachel Hennings
La Jolla, CA

Dear Rachel,

To be brutally honest with you, I don’t think the world is ready for a duct tape/paper towel prom dress yet. Better use staples.

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