U.S. stock market rallies for almost five seconds

The Dow shot up ten points yesterday, amid cries of elation, then plummeted 700 points, shattering everyone's hopes, ambitions, and plans for the short- and long-term future.

by John Johnson, staff reporter

NEW YORK, NY—Jubilation was the dominant mood on Wall Street for approximately four and a half seconds yesterday as the Dow Jones Industrial Average skyrocketed ten points, causing widespread excitement and glee, before plummeting 700 points to close well below what most analysts would consider their worst nightmares, sources report.

“Wow, that was a rush,” said Jack Morris, an investment banker at Merrill Lynch, who was in his office when the market boomed. “I just started shouting, ‘At long last, it’s happening! This is the moment we’ve been waiting for—our economy is back!’ Unfortunately, I was only on ‘waiting’ when the market crashed again.”

“For over four seconds, nobody knew what to do,” said Goldman Sachs trader Jeffrey Walker. “Nobody bought, nobody sold. There was just this strange feeling of joy, peacefulness, and stability. Then everybody sold.”

As the New York Stock Exchange moved into after-hours trading, Walker described his emotions during the historic stock market rise. “During the first second of the rally, I knew for sure a bull market was starting,” he said. “The second second, I decided to buy a new house. During the third and fourth seconds, I dialed my thirteen year old son to tell him I would send him to Harvard after all. But by the time he picked up, it was back to community college for him.”

Between 3:51 pm EST and 3:51 pm EST, consumer confidence was reported at an all-time high, retailers were predicting a record season, and airline fares dropped sharply. By 3:52 pm EST, however, most Wall Street insiders considered their lives to be over.

For some, the experience was surreal. “It was such a relief to see auto sales increase, another housing bubble form, and thousands of jobs come back to Main Street America—all for about four and a half seconds,” said one clerk, who asked not to be identified. “Then it all went back to hell in a handbasket.”

Indeed, order and calm reigned on the floor of the exchange for precious few seconds as people stared at computer screens in silence, mouthed words of gratitude to their divine creator of choice, or just gazed into the distance, stunned.

When the Dow dropped again, however, the usual chaos was restored as oil rose to $800 a barrel, analysts continued insisting we would all be homeless by tomorrow, and several stockbrokers set their hair on fire in panic.

© 2008 The Teaspoon Times

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