Seattle removes its ‘slide to hell’

by John Johnson, staff writer

SEATTLE, WA—The City of Seattle yesterday removed a playground slide at Alki Beach Park, one of the city’s largest parks, citing hundreds of reports over the last year of children mysteriously vanishing while using the slide. Although the details of each incident are unknown, eyewitness accounts have led investigators to believe that after using the slide, most of the unwitting youngsters are ushered straight into the very pits of hell, sent first to languish in the gallows of purgatory before being consumed by the infernal flames of the underworld.

The slide at the Alki Beach Park playground in Seattle, on which hundreds of children have met their fiery demise.

The slide at the Alki Beach Park playground in Seattle, on which hundreds of children have met their fiery demise.

“We have no idea how such an innocent-looking playground slide became a portal to Hades,” said Sandy Jiminez, operations director for Seattle Parks and Recreation. “Our best guess is that Satan himself finally came to collect all those who had sold their souls to him, and that this slide was the most logical choice for amassing those mortal beings weighing 100 pounds or less, which is the weight limit on our slides.”

“The slide is kind of like the Bermuda Triangle,” Jiminez went on. “Only instead of a ship sinking in the Atlantic Ocean, it’s our own children who are being drowned in the River Styx at the hand of Charon, ferryman of the dead.”

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Linda McAlister, the mother of one of last month’s victims, was in hysterics when The Teaspoon Times interviewed her. “I took my seven-year-old son, Daniel, to the playground for a day of fun and frolicking,” she said. “I didn’t think anything of it when he went to use the slide, because I hadn’t heard about all those children who, in a flash of fire, had been helplessly ingurgitated into Lucifer’s Lair. But the second he got to the bottom of the slide, sure enough, there was the flash, and poor Daniel was never to be seen again.”

“On the bright side,” added McAlister, “he’s probably better off living in the domain of the Prince of Darkness than in the realm of Lucy Higgins, that bitch who runs the day care center down the street. She was all I could afford, though.”

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