Stout still spurning trash duty

by John Johnson, staff writer

SCHENECTADY, NY—Upstate resident Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout, who gained infamy over three decades ago when she would not take the garbage out, said in an interview today that no amount of parental or familial pressure would cause her to compromise her position and empty the kitchen rubbish bin.

Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout, who simply would not take the garbage out.

Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout, who simply would not take the garbage out.

Despite the now-slimy and overflowing contents of the household trash can, including greasy napkins, cookie crumbs, globs of gooey bubble gum, Stout, now 43, has for years steadfastly refused to take part in one of the most trivial of domestic tasks.

At age nine, Stout’s childhood home was destroyed after she eschewed the two-minute chore for several months. According to eyewitness accounts, the garbage rolled on down the hall, it raised the roof, it broke the wall.

Rescue personnel, who were dispatched after receiving reports of an explosion in the area, were quick to realize that the house was actually leveled by pizza crusts and withered greens, soggy beans and tangerines, crusts of black burned buttered toast, gristly bits of beefy roasts.

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Her father, Hank Stout, recalled her demeanor as a youth. “She’d scour the pots, scrape the pans, candy the yams and spice the hams. And though [I] would scream and shout, she simply would not take the garbage out.”

By late 1974, the garbage reached across the state, from New York to the Golden Gate. Now it has extended out over the Pacific Ocean, past Hawaii, and has nearly reached mainland China, causing international tensions to flare.

Besides being visible from space, the trash heap, which contains moldy melons, dried-up mustard, eggshells mixed with lemon custard, cold french fries and rancid meat, yellow lumps of Cream of Wheat, is of such significance that it might soon replace the Grand Canyon as the eighth wonder of the world, according to rumors.

(with help from the late Shel Silverstein, whose brilliant poetry played a hefty role in this article.)

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