Lonely house getting lonelier, contemplating suicide

by John Johnson, staff writer

OAK PARK, MI—7124 South Becker Court, an off-white, two story, four bedroom, two bathroom house that has been empty for nearly a month, admitted it has been entertaining thoughts of suicide for several weeks, citing loneliness and heartbreak as main reasons for its depression, despite regular visits from parties interested in buying it and moving in.

7124 S. Becker Ct., far right, pictured here hanging out with its friends.

7124 S. Becker Ct., far right, pictured here hanging out with its friends.

“When the Reeds moved out last month, I was a little sad, but thought they might be coming back,” 7124 told The Teaspoon Times. “Then [neighboring house] 7132 told me what the sign out in my front yard meant—that I was for sale, and the Reeds would never return. After that, it just got worse. Now I’ve decided nothing would please me more than dying a quick, painless death.”

7124’s circle of friends, consisting of neighboring houses in the quiet suburban cul-de-sac, have sought to comfort the troubled house whenever possible. One friend, who asked to remain anonymous, said that 7124 is “usually a very sweet, house-next-door type, but lately has been nothing but a house of blues, what with the closed curtains and sullen demeanor and all.”

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Another friend, 7102 South Becker Court, said it baked a cake for its friend yesterday, and that although it had no way to bring it to 7124, “I let the aroma waft over in that direction.” 7102, who acknowledged being romantically involved with 7124 for a brief period of time in December of 2002, did not hold back praise for its friend. “’24 is an all-around great house,” 7102 went on, “but I was on the rebound at the time and looking for more of a fling than anything…and ’24 was…well, a very attractive house.”

One of 7124’s neighbors, 7110 South Becker Court, whose owner is a therapist, claimed it had learned enough about the symptoms of depression from its inhabitants to be able to offer its support to 7124. “I understand ’24’s emotional state to a tee,” said 7110. “Heck, I was there once myself, back in the eighties when that cold snap froze all my pipes. It was very painful and I didn’t see the point in going on, but eventually I thawed out and made it though. We houses are a strong lot. You know what they say: the odds always favor the house.”

7124 said it was considering several suicide methods, including developing a leak in its basement walls during a rainstorm in the hopes of growing mold, leaving the oven on for a few minutes and somehow creating a spark, or just waiting for tornado season and “hoping for a direct hit.”

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