Tag Archives: humour

My living room is literally a sea of paper clips

Dear Mindy,

I have so many paperclips, I don’t know what to do with them. I mean, my house is FULL of paperclips. Literally. When I walk in the front door, I have to wade through a sea of paperclips just to get to the living room. Then I go to pick up the remote on the end table, and I can’t find the TV. Most people dust; I paperclip. I can’t even eat my cereal in the morning without ingesting paperclips, so I think it’s starting to get a little out of hand. What can I do?

—Rhonda Canner
Raleigh, NC

Mindy Torbett hiking in the Rocky Mountains with her sleeping bag and a backpack full of paperclips.

Mindy Torbett hiking in the Rocky Mountains with her sleeping bag and a backpack full of paperclips.

Every issue, readers from all over write in to ask our featured advice columnist pressing questions about a very specialized field. Whether they hope to resolve a dilemma or find a way out of their quandaries and quagmires, they get their answers here.

Today we are proud to feature Mindy Torbett, a Bozeman, Montana, resident specializing in paperclips.

Dear Rhonda,

I can identify with your situation, because as you may have guessed, I too own a ton of paperclips. What I’ve done, however, is taken all my paperclips and thrown them into my backyard swimming pool. Swimming in paperclips might be a little rough on the skin, but not only does it save me from constantly checking chlorine levels, it frees me up from the hassles of getting buried in a flood of paperclips every time I open the refrigerator.

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Dear Mindy,

Sitting at my cubicle desk yesterday, I suddenly ran out of paperclips. For half an hour I had been paperclipping things so helter-skelter and willy-nilly that I didn’t even notice I was running out. I needed another paperclip, so I took one off of my co-worker’s desk. He caught me, and got all bent out of shape about this one little paperclip. How can I smooth things over with him?

—Carla Flemmer
Long Island, NY

Dear Carla,

Some people, like your co-worker, don’t understand the frustration of running out of paperclips without any warning. But if you really want to smooth things over with your colleague, present him with a paperclip collage. Gather several dozen paperclips (of varying sizes, of course) and paste them all on a piece of poster board. Underneath your collage, write him a poem like “You have a beard / And you’re a little weird / But you’re my friend / And I don’t want it to end / So hopefully we can skip / This fight over a paperclip.” Then sit back and watch the hostility melt away.

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Lonely house getting lonelier, contemplating suicide

by John Johnson, staff writer

OAK PARK, MI—7124 South Becker Court, an off-white, two story, four bedroom, two bathroom house that has been empty for nearly a month, admitted it has been entertaining thoughts of suicide for several weeks, citing loneliness and heartbreak as main reasons for its depression, despite regular visits from parties interested in buying it and moving in.

7124 S. Becker Ct., far right, pictured here hanging out with its friends.

7124 S. Becker Ct., far right, pictured here hanging out with its friends.

“When the Reeds moved out last month, I was a little sad, but thought they might be coming back,” 7124 told The Teaspoon Times. “Then [neighboring house] 7132 told me what the sign out in my front yard meant—that I was for sale, and the Reeds would never return. After that, it just got worse. Now I’ve decided nothing would please me more than dying a quick, painless death.”

7124’s circle of friends, consisting of neighboring houses in the quiet suburban cul-de-sac, have sought to comfort the troubled house whenever possible. One friend, who asked to remain anonymous, said that 7124 is “usually a very sweet, house-next-door type, but lately has been nothing but a house of blues, what with the closed curtains and sullen demeanor and all.”

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Another friend, 7102 South Becker Court, said it baked a cake for its friend yesterday, and that although it had no way to bring it to 7124, “I let the aroma waft over in that direction.” 7102, who acknowledged being romantically involved with 7124 for a brief period of time in December of 2002, did not hold back praise for its friend. “’24 is an all-around great house,” 7102 went on, “but I was on the rebound at the time and looking for more of a fling than anything…and ’24 was…well, a very attractive house.”

One of 7124’s neighbors, 7110 South Becker Court, whose owner is a therapist, claimed it had learned enough about the symptoms of depression from its inhabitants to be able to offer its support to 7124. “I understand ’24’s emotional state to a tee,” said 7110. “Heck, I was there once myself, back in the eighties when that cold snap froze all my pipes. It was very painful and I didn’t see the point in going on, but eventually I thawed out and made it though. We houses are a strong lot. You know what they say: the odds always favor the house.”

7124 said it was considering several suicide methods, including developing a leak in its basement walls during a rainstorm in the hopes of growing mold, leaving the oven on for a few minutes and somehow creating a spark, or just waiting for tornado season and “hoping for a direct hit.”

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Man breaks wind, destroys airplane

by John Johnson, staff writer

RICHMOND, VA—In what has been described by local and national officials as “possibly the most astounding flatulatory event in all of recorded history,” pilot William Harper, 41, of Richmond broke wind in his airplane just after takeoff from Hanover County Municipal Airport on Monday afternoon, completely destroying the aircraft.

A Piper Seminole, shredded by a massive fart, sits in ruins Monday inside a hangar at Hanover County Municipal Airport in Virginia.

A Piper Seminole, shredded by a massive fart, sits in ruins Monday inside a hangar at Hanover County Municipal Airport in Virginia.

The 2000 Piper Seminole, capable of reaching altitudes of higher than 14,000 feet, was only at an altitude of three feet when the severely bloated Harper “ripped off the biggest fart I’ve ever heard in my entire life,” according to passenger Jon Kilbourne, 37. “We had just lifted off the ground, when suddenly he pinches one off—loud—and the entire plane just falls apart. Damn, that boy needs to control his gas.” Amazingly, neither Kilbourne nor Harper were seriously hurt.

“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Sandra Metcalf, the National Transportation Safety Board agent in charge of investigating the accident. “I mean, my husband—um, passes gas a lot, but I’ve only ever seen the bedsheets puff out a little. To utterly destroy an aircraft such as the twin-engine Piper Seminole, there must have been some serious pressure built up in that bowel of his.”

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A spokesperson for The New Piper Aircraft Company, Inc. expressed surprise over the incident. “Our airplanes are thoroughly tested and designed to withstand even the harshest of nature’s often brutal forces—updrafts, downdrafts, crosswinds, and severe turbulence,” said Ken Middlefield, customer relations director for Piper. “Unfortunately, one cannot foresee every possible circumstance, and in the case of Mr. Harper, a two to three hundred knot wind originating inside the cockpit far exceeded the structural limits of the aircraft.

Middlefield expressed sympathy over the situation, and said his company would offer limited financial support to Harper, mainly for medical attention. “We’d like to see him seek medical help for his…well, his ass. I mean, come on, that’s just crazy.”

Although the NTSB is still investigating, the cause of the accident has thus far been classified as “pilot error.”

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Should I poison my boyfriend with gasoline?

Dear Mark,

I got a cup of hot chocolate at the gas station yesterday, and when I went to savor its aroma, I noticed it smelled a lot like gasoline. Of course, normally, I like the smell of gas, but not in my hot chocolate. Even worse, it also tasted like gas. Was there really gas in it? What’s the deal?

-Chris Lawrence
Orlando, FL

Mark Klein takes his wife, Laura, out for a cup of hot chocolate.

Mark Klein takes his wife, Laura, out for a cup of hot chocolate.

Every issue, readers from all over write in to ask our featured advice columnist pressing questions about a very specialized field. Whether they hope to resolve a dilemma or find a way out of their quandaries and quagmires, they get their answers here.

Today we are proud to feature Mark Klein, a Boston, Massachusetts, resident specializing in hot chocolate.

Dear Chris,

There’s an old saying that goes, “If it smells like gas, and tastes like gas, it must be gas.” Sometimes, especially at the larger gas stations, the gas pump lines overflow into the hot chocolate machine lines, and vice versa. That’s why so many people are driving around these days with high concentrations of hot chocolate in their gas tanks. But don’t go fretting about all the hot chocolate that’s getting into your engine—after all, your engine will probably long outlive you, especially after you’ve ingested all that gasoline.

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Dear Mark,

Every morning at breakfast, my boyfriend slurps the hell out of his hot chocolate. I’m not kidding when I say he slurps it loud enough to wake the dead. One time, his hot chocolate slurping actually did rouse our next door neighbors from their pre-dawn slumber, much to their extreme dissatisfaction. What steps should I take to get him to “can it?”

-Helen Pendleton
Edina, MN

Dear Helen,

A few drops of gasoline ought to do the trick.

The Teaspoon Times e-book: pick up a copy today!This and much more in my new 120-page e-book!
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Woman receives rejection letter from herself

by John Johnson, staff writer

DULUTH, MN-Julianne Cearly, President and sole employee of her newly self-founded greeting card company, Clearly Cearly Cards, received a rejection letter yesterday from Julianne Cearly, the president of the company, in response to several card ideas she had submitted two weeks earlier.

Julianne Cearly chops broccoli very aggressively on her kitchen counter in an effort to cope with her recent rejection.

Julianne Cearly chops broccoli very aggressively on her kitchen counter in an effort to cope with her recent rejection.

“To tell you the truth, this is a little awkward,” Cearly said. “And extremely disappointing, because I really wanted to use my own ideas for my card company. But apparently these high and mighty CEO types can’t be bothered with ideas from the little people.”

Sources close to Cearly are not sure whether this move was simply an inappropriate use of her new-found power as head of her own organization, or an indication of other psychological problems, such as low self-esteem or even split personality disorder.

“People reject their own ideas all the time, either consciously or subconsciously,” said nationally renowned psychologist Jan Nillson. “But actually going to the trouble of sending yourself a letter of rejection? That’s just weird. I’m sorry. But it is.”

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The ideas submitted by Cearly to herself included a greeting card whose front read, “To the love of my life, who loves to take naps,” and when opened, read, “Rest in peace, my love.” Another card was blank on the outside, and when opened, read, “You’re so hard to THANK that I just drew a BLANK.”

“This really puts me in a pickle,” said Cearly. “I’m not sure if I should start soliciting ideas from outside sources, or try submitting my ideas again. My original vision was to have as many greeting card ideas as possible come from within the company. But I guess that’s not going to happen now, is it?” Looking up and shaking a fist toward the ceiling, she went on: “Is it now, Cearly? Is it?”

Cearly, the company’s only shareholder, anticipates voting Cearly off the board of directors “in a landslide” next month.

“I’ll get you, my pretty,” Cearly said of Cearly. “And your little dog, too.”

The Teaspoon Times e-book: pick up a copy today!This and much more in my new 120-page e-book!
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Invisible man found after three-day search

by John Johnson, staff writer

ATWATER, CA—After an exhaustive three-day manhunt, Harold Stokes, 63, an invisible Atwater man who had been reported missing by his daughter, was found yesterday, apparently in the throes of watching television in his own living room.

Harold Stokes pictured here relaxing in the living room of his Atwater home, where he was found by police yesterday.

Harold Stokes pictured here relaxing in the living room of his Atwater home, where he was found by police yesterday.

“Nobody answered when we knocked on his door,” said Don McFarland, one of the officers involved in the search. “So we peeked into his living room window. We didn’t see anybody in there, but suddenly the TV started changing channels all by itself. Then a few minutes later, when we saw a bag of potato chips float from the kitchen to the living room, we knew we had our man.”

Police chief Linda Poole admitted the search was difficult. “We’ve gotten calls about invisible people before,” she said. “But this particular case was unusual because it seems he was home the whole time. Boy, it sure is hard work keeping track of the invisible.”

Stokes’s 36-year-old daughter, Sheila Branch, who lives in Dallas, reported him missing on Monday. After not hearing from him for nearly a week, she became worried and thought he might have absent-mindedly wandered too far from home and gotten lost, as she said he has done on several occasions.

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“I don’t see my dad too often,” said Branch. “Actually, I never see him. But he usually calls every couple days to ask how I’m doing. When I didn’t hear from him all week, I tried calling him several times but couldn’t reach him. That’s when I started to worry.”

Stokes told police he was not aware he had been reported missing. “I haven’t heard the phone ring all week, but the TV’s been turned up so loud that I—well, didleyhickens, there’s the culprit,” he said, tugging on the phone cord, only to reveal it had come loose from the jack. “One week’s worth of no phone calls, right here.”

Stokes became invisible in 1998 during a medical study gone wrong. Scientists in charge of the study, who were testing a new pain-killing medication called “Invisi-Pain,” allegedly failed to mention that people with certain genetic makeups could experience invisibility not just of their pain in a figurative sense, but of their entire bodies in a literal sense. Stokes sued the following year, but the case was summarily thrown out of court when the judge proclaimed that he and Stokes “just didn’t see eye to eye” on the issue.

The Teaspoon Times e-book: pick up a copy today!This and much more in my new 120-page e-book!
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Facebonk and Hoogle see record traffic levels

by John Johnson, staff writer

PALO ALTO, CA—Two once-obscure online companies, Facebonk, Inc. and Hoogle Corp., have reported a record number of visitors to their websites over the last few years, due in part to the staggering success of two similarly-spelled internet powerhouses, social network Facebook and search giant Google.

Two of the largest internet companies, Facebook and Google, have provided some extra traffic for lesser-known Facebonk and Hoogle.

Two of the largest internet companies, Facebook and Google, have provided some extra traffic for lesser-known Facebonk and Hoogle.

Facebonk, which started out in 1996 as a tree-identification website, quickly outgrew its roots and blossomed into a site where users could create profiles and send e-mail “bonks” to each other.

“The whole concept of friending and building social networks hadn’t been invented yet,” said Todd Germaine, acting vice president of Facebonk. “So people just went around ‘bonking’ other people, because that was the only thing you could do. Then when Facebook came along and offered a means of actually forging friendships, we did all we could to catch up with the times, and after six months, we finally had a way for users to change their screen name.”

But the age of mistyping URLs had only just begun, and as Facebook gained popularity, so did Facebonk. “Initially, when people accidentally arrived at the Facebonk website, they were immediately captivated by the bonking function, and signed right up,” said Germaine. “But now, as membership skyrockets, we intend to introduce new features, like the ability to see other user’s profiles, and before too long—by next year, maybe—a means of logging out.”

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“We probably owe most of our success to fat-fingering,” admits Germaine, referring to how many of Facebonk’s visitors inadvertently end up there with a simple typographical error.

The same goes for Hoogle, which was founded in 1998 and has a somewhat sordid past. Soon after going live as a one-stop-shop for pet monkey supplies, its CEO was arrested for knowingly selling less-than-top-grade bananas as monkey feed. After reexamining their business model, and considering demographic reports showing that very few Americans actually owned monkeys, Hoogle’s product line was broadened to include pet elephant supplies, as well as an array of accessories for giraffe owners.

With Facebook continuing to expand across the globe, and Google offering more online tools and products than ever, Facebonk and Hoogle welcome more and more new, unwitting visitors every day.

According to sources close to the two companies, Facebonk is in preliminary stages of merger talks with Hoogle. The deal would have several legal and regulatory hurdles to overcome, but if approved by the Justice Department, the new company would be an online travel agency, and would operate under the name Hoogabonk.

The Teaspoon Times e-book: pick up a copy today!This and much more in my new 120-page e-book!
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